Lately, when ever I think of planning a vacation or a trip somewhere new, I see myself going it alone or with my boys. Sometimes I consider taking a girls holiday with a good friend here in town. But my husband has been left out of my minds plans.
During the course of our marriage we have taken many a vacation only to have them crash and burn because of my husbands drinking. We went several places in the name of family vacation's, and each and every time my husband would eventually find the bar. Upon once returning to the room from the bar, he would find the mini bar. He would sleep in late, due to the hang over while the boys and I would go out and sight see. We would return to the room around noon, when he would get up, have lunch with us and repeat the same behavior over again.
Once when we were at Wisconsin Dells and I had hit my limit when on the first night he wanted to go off and gamble at a casino that he had to catch a bus to. It was 10 pm and we argued, in that small hotel room, with the drapes pulled closed making the room and the mood appear very dark matching the mood. My boys then 9 and 7 hunkered down behind one of the queen-sized beds by the wall and held one another. It was supposed to be a family vacation not a husband holiday and that particular argument got nasty, until finally I wanted him to leave, so the fight would end. He returned back to the room at 5 am or maybe it was 6 in the morning, drunk, disheveled and slurring. It was disappointing and depressing to be with someone on a vacation who had more aspirations of spending time with his beloved drink and a room full of strangers than his wife and two young children. Suffice it to say those were very dark days.
Much like party invitations these days I find myself looking on a vacation and travel with my husband hesitantly. I weigh the pros and the cons but often times the past and those memories tip the scale.
This week it dawned on me; I get that this is my feeble attempt at controlling the situation, perhaps at ensuring he stays sober - as if I have any control over that...I understand that this is codie behavior. I understand that it makes me feel safe to exclude him in the plans for now, if he does not come, he cannot mess it up after all.
However if I do travel to far off places in the next year I will ask my husband to come along. I will ask him because he is a part of the family and it could be an opportunity for healing all those dark memories from the past. I will ask him because I think I would miss him if he did not come. And I would ask him because I think there has to comes a time in every life where you have to take a chance and just let go. When that time comes for me, I hope I am ready and that I am able to do it with the same reckless abandon that I once love him with.
21 comments:
I understand. Completely.
the broken brain can heal.. from the pic it looks like a very small bandage :)
I'm so glad I've found you, you have given me a lot to think about.
Hmm...think blogger ate my last comment. Just wanted to say that I'm glad I've found you. Thank you.
Cat, I don't think that it is broken thinking. I once was told that I had post-traumatic stress from the drinking behavior. All I know is that is in the past now. I can't undo that but I have let it go. There is a different relationship now. And I trust that on this day things will go along as God has planned. You stuck through some tough times just as I did. But today is a different day.
My first sober vacation was terrifying and sad. I wasn't ready to try it, having about 90 days, but I had to go to a wedding in Hawaii and didn't want to disappoint a friend. It was a week away from home and filled with stresssss.
It was a good experience, but not a fond memory kind of vacation. What with all the tears and anxiety, being thrown out of my normal, and not having the alcohol to prop me up.
You might want to talk with your husband about it, just mention you'd like to take a short trip and see how he feels about it, see if he's ready.
I know now that if I had to do it again I would be fine, even though I'm drinking again. Having a vacation with family last year that was a week long, where I had exactly 2 glasses of wine the whole week, made me realize just how far I had come in beating my alcohol dependence.
I understand completely also.As always, you put it out there honestly & well spoken.
Sounds like you're working through something, making progress. This is good.
My alcoholic father ruined many special events when I was a kid and we didn't really even attempt vacations. He was especially bad on holidays and school recitals, etc.
My co-worker recently got back from vacation in the Wisconsin Dells. It just so happens that he husband is an alcoholic. You know, I'm not even sure if he went with her, come to think of it.
I think you are right, though. You should attempt to vacation with him. And try not to "what if" it.
what honest writing... I hope you can get that lovely family holiday.
Tears come from eyes.. I hear your fear though mine was with my father as a child in the same acts! We do though have to throw away the old cob webs that have weaved themselves into our lives and let the light wash away the dark. I agree you would miss him you wish he was there and your trip wouldnt be what it could! If you ever need a should i am here to listen. Let go of the hurt fullness it will eat away at what happiness we have! Your amazing and beautiful and with that i say have a wonderful day!
hugs
sarah
you've brought back many a childhood memory and anxiety there. you are a very giving and understanding person, you know!
I hope for your family's sake that the old memories are replaced with happy ones!
I know exactly what you mean. with our family, we all get tense when we move. That was my husband's favorite time to throw his pity parties and get drunk. It's funny though, all the tension only seems to apply to me and my two oldest kids, my two younger ones couldn't remember a time when dad used to drink.
Well it sounds to me your husband and I have a lot in common. Maybe we don’t have the same exact stories, but we do share the same exact results. For what it’s worth (coming from a dyslexic drunk), I think he needs to be invited on the next trip. If not to precipitate healing, then to carry the luggage. ;)
The last holiday I spoiled for my family was my breaking point exactly 4 years ago, I cannot remember much about it only I coul;dnt drive home when they told us our time was up at the caravan.
My last drink was the next day and never again.
Holidays are when you feel liberated so I guess it was the time for me to go out with a bang
I just got back from taking my stepson to college. For years now I have not participated in things that involve my husband's ex because she's soooooo rude to me.
My husband really wanted me to go and promised if she did something he would stand up for me. I openened myself up and went. It was totally different! She was only rude a little bit and it rolled right off me. We were even able to all go out to dinner together.
It worked out fine and I got to see my stepson off. I was glad that I took the chance.
That is a fantastic post and one that I needed to read. While I have always been sober while in the "family" way, my husband and I were dating in the last two years of my drinking. After reading your post, my guess is that he probably had many of the same thoughts. I pray for your continued healing and that your husbnad remains sober. A win/win situation, don't you think :)
Just checking back to see if you're ok. Hope you're enjoying the last days of summer!
You have come so far - as well he has - hang in there - I know you will get through this thing in your head.
I think you should again think of a family vacation trip & give your husband an another chance.
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