Last night after spending copious amounts of time on Craig list looking for an apartment I could afford and that would be big enough for both myself and the boys and our things, in addition to 2 cats I went home frustrated and defeated. R was waiting after having prepared some wonderful chicken and green beans. He was business as usual and I understood that I needed to tell him I was at my limit. I explained to him I had searched the internet for a place for the boys and I to stay, I explained to him I had had enough and that if his sobriety or recovery was going to impact the rest of us in such a terrible way, that I would rather part ways amicably, now. I said I loved him and I supported him, but that living with him was becoming increasingly difficult. He was becoming increasingly difficult. I acknowledged that I knew there was some stress in the one year date of sobriety and that I was proud he was able to stay sober for so long, but that I really thought he needed to begin working the program and the process of recovery.
He asked that I stop talking, said he had to got to a meeting and clearly did not want to hear what I was saying and that was the last we spoke until this morning at 7:30 when my cell phone rang as I was leaving the health club.
R: Hey, Good morning, how was the work out?
Me: Good, thanks. What's up?
R: I am probably gonna work tonight, I am sorry I know it is usually our night and all…
Me: No Problem, thanks for telling me in advance I am sure I can find something else to do.
R: Also, I wanted to tell you that one of my character defects is to always be right. You can call it controlling and maybe it is, but after talking in group last night I am aware it is something I really need to work on and I wanted to let you know that sometimes my need to be right outweighs everything else. But I recognize that it is something I have to work on and I am and I know its hard on you and the boys because of how I get.
Me: You should let your children know R, that is something they need to hear from you, especially David.
R: Oh I know, I will. I was just wanting to let you know first, since it had been on my mind and you were asleep last night.
Me: Thank you, I appreciate that.
R: Ok. Well, have a good day, I will call later.
Me: You too, be safe.
I am grateful I spoke my mind yesterday and that he was in a place that allowed him to do the same today.
28 comments:
And the healing begins....
Sounds like a wonderful start!
Talking is one thing but really hearing is another. I think that he really heard you.
Good for you on telling him how you feel and that enough was enough. Take care.
I think you handled this quite nicely Cat.!! there are some nice gems of info and suggestions in the chapter 'the family afterward' in the big book which starts on pg 122 that may help in some way. in a BB study i am in, i read this in regards to that chap - this chap 'shows each family member how to apply the Twelve Steps' that 'every member of AA and Al-Anon should be knowledgeable of info in this chapter'.
my thoughts are with you and your family. this must be an incredibly difficult time for all of you.
bless ya sweetie
No one should be expected to be a mind reader. It is good you told him. It started a dialogue.
Way to go.
Oh, I LOVE it when serendipity strikes in recovery, when you say what you need to say and chance steps in waving its magic wand and whomps your addict on the head and he GETS it. Is open to the moment of growth. Henk, over at In God's Hands writes about this a lot. The merging of a step and his recognition of its meaning.
Proud of you both.
Yay, Cat! Sounds like a great conversation.
Wonderful, Cat!
Hmm, married to someone who always has to be right. That sounds familiar.
Shhh, don't tell anyone I said that.
I have a slightly different problem: I'm married to someone who actually IS always right.
Oh Cat! This sounds like such a great start! BIG HUGS!!
Good for you Cat that you said what you needed to say. Awesome chickie you are!
And the dialogue between you and your husband is a really strong start.
I would say he respects you for your honesty. It's tough isn't it? xxx
Taking that first step of dialogue can be so hard. My problem has always been being able to follow through when things don't work out. You are a very strong person. I really hope things work out for all of you.
I too, like everyone else am breathing a sigh of relief.
I am really happy for you...keep speaki ng your mind strongly and peacefully!
hey! you did good. whichever way it turns, i wish you guys all the best!
I'm glad you told him where you stood. I hope he continues to listen.
So its really come to this?
Wow.
I hope you can work through this.
I believe you can.
It sounds like you all want to, and that's a start.
sounds like you are doing all you can do - the pact is a beautiful thing too.
Thanks for sharing from the heart.
Sounds like it was very validating for you to speak you mind and to be heard. It also sounds like it was very valuable for him to HEAR you and also to recognize it.
BTW thank you for your comment on my blog - yes I do think my "overly realaxing" massage plus the strain of the move lead to the neck pain I was having....but you never know it could have been the soup! LOL
being aware of a defect is half the battle over, you sound like you have a healthy relationship with your partner.
Sometimes I love been single but there are times when I would love a companion.
Looking forward to the weekend so I can get a lie in, with me its my mind is just too active and just lately its been worse than normal.
Its amazing how what we make so difficult can become passable when we feel like there is not cure. Talking is hard at times but, the best method of sorting our hearts, minds and souls out. I happy that the healing in your life is beginning cat.. Keep talking dont be scared to say whats on your mind its that person that i am sure he fell madly in love with! hugs girly.. and many many smiles
I spent my childhood praying for the years to pass so I could be on my own and away from my alcoholic parents. I finally moved out for good at 14.
It is enlightening and painful to read a spouse's side of dealing with alcoholism and the process of recovery.
And to read the POV of a mother trying to protect her kids from the fallout.
My best wishes and thoughts are with you - I can only imagine the strength you must need every day to keep your ship sailing.
I hope that you are remembering the importance of spending equal measures of that love, joy and dedication that you so lavish on your husband, on yourself.
:)
Communication...........is everything.
Good for you...for saying exactly what you wanted to say.
Hugs,
M.A.
wow. that sounds like a good start. i was baffled at his first reaction but i guess he needed to chew on it and it seems he DID chew on it.
good going ... bless your rational mind and open heart.
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