Wait.What?

Me first!

2009-10-22T09:34:00.004-05:00

the next right thing is up and running. It is my new blog that will focus on the healthy changes I have made over the last two years and how I have learned to tailor those changes so that they worked. It will have post’s about my story from where I have been to where I am going. I will cover topics such as food, cooking, exercise and holding yourself accountable as well I will share links that have helped me on my path.

I hope you can come along for the ride and offer up suggestions that have worked for you and keep me company along the way.

Cat

The next right thing

2009-10-14T10:43:00.008-05:00

Wait. What?

When I thought of my name for this site I thought of all the things that were unimaginable that I was going through. I was in a place where self pity was flowing steadily and victim was my middle name. Wait. What? Was my own way of poking fun at myself and my reality because at the time most days all I could do was shake my head and cry, it got to the point of expecting the black cloud to follow me along because I deserved it…Wait. What? No really. I was in a bad place when this blog began and the only reprieve I seemed to get was when I was writing. When I started this blog it was a way to reach out from my introverted life, to the world in which I lived but felt like a spectator. You see I had totally walled myself in, cemented the bricks in place as fat under my skin and for much of my life I lived like this, not a participant but a spectator and a fat one at that. It was a miserable existence and all I knew when I began my blog was that I needed to write about my life, my experiences my thoughts and ideas and in writing I was reaching out to others, in the most indirect but comfortable way I could at the time.

Slowly over the last two years I have learned ways to participate in life, to come out of myself and chip away at the walls I had built up. I have learned to live a life that makes me feel good about who I am and where I have been and best of all I am hopeful about my future, looking forward to what may come. I am not unrealistic, I understand I have more work to do, but I am on my way and the road looks clear ahead of me with no clouds in sight, (but I will pack my umbrella just in case.)

Change has not happened over night and I have not had a guide book to follow but instead change has been a series of baby steps, relying more on my feelings of ‘is this the next right thing’ for me and then deciding to consciously move forward. It has been thrilling, scary, sometimes gut wrenching but through it all the trip has made me determined that there is a better way to live my life, to be happy and to make the most of everything that comes my way. I have become comfortable in my own skin and some days I feel as if I am glowing and I want nothing more than to spread myself all over the places and people I come into contact with, because I want to share of myself and I am less afraid to do this these days.

My recovery will never end but is only changing directions slightly and I have come to a place where this blog is less important to my recovery now than it once was. Admitting that is hard. Change is hard but I believe that it is so vital to who I am at my core today, I need to follow my heart and my head agrees.

So, in doing the next right thing I am going to instead begin a blog about all the positive changes I have made in my life. Over the last 2 years I have remained true to myself in working out and eating right and as a result I have lost weight and gained back my ability to be happy. My journey began with recovery and this new place will be about recovery of a different kind, but just as vital to my life as the 12 steps have proven to be and I am excited about writing again, about sharing my life and where I have been, as well as where I am going. I want to pass along what I have learned and help others. It is really that simple and many of my readers have helped me learn that this is how recovery works, by reaching out, and offering up support and open hearts to others, even strangers. This is what it is about, this life and living it right. I have you all to thank for that lesson, for that tip to happiness.

Once my new site is up and running I will post here about it and I will of course continue commenting as often as I can in order to keep up with everyone as well.

Rest assured this is not a goodbye but only a change in direction and Change is Good.

On meeting in the middle

2009-10-07T11:34:00.005-05:00

Before my husband discovered AA and I began Al Anon we were the kind of couple who happened to be in a long term relationship together where we spent copious amounts of time and energy working against one another. Literally.

My style of dance in the relationship was clingy and needy based solely on my fear of his addiction and my need to focus on him, rather than look at myself. My husband on the other hand danced a solo, where everything was always about him and his needs or wants. It made meeting in the middle a difficult task for anyone, let alone a married couple with two children. We were bound to fail long term if we kept doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same miserable results. (Who ordered the Insanity plate?)

Within the last two years we have learned a new way to dance as a couple, we split and go our separate ways in our days, take care of things for ourselves such as our meeting schedule, hitting the health club or going for a round of golf and we do these things without one another. We do our own things; take care of our own stuff, work together as parents as needed and come together to meet in the middle. We are better because of this. Better people, a stronger couple and happier parents because of this meeting in the middle that we have learned to do.

It took work, but eventually came down to changing our minds about ourselves as individuals. For him it was learning to focus on others more than himself while for me, learning to make myself first was key. You see we have always been polar opposites; it is what attracted us to one another in the first place. Being so different from one another certainly keeps things interesting. The bonus of course is that in taking care of ourselves, in care taking – we have also taken care of our family and our mate as well.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-07T09:51:00.001-05:00

Can you help?

2009-10-05T11:23:00.009-05:00

Meet Biscuit. My new Foster dog who has been in serious need of medical attention. He received medical attention today through the goodness of the supporters and volunteers of CEBR, an organization I have helped out with for some time now. It is a rescue organization that helps English Bulldogs in need of medical care, abandoned or with behavioral issues and places them in forever homes that are educated, equipped and prepared to deal with the specific issues for that dog. Unfortunately with the economy as bad as it has been we have had a severe influx of bullies needing new homes. This is where you can help if you have 2 minutes of time and can click your mouse. CEBR is not asking for anything but a vote, once a day if you have the time to help us win grant money to care for the bullies that come in and to be able to continue taking in all those bullies in need, regardless of their medical condition.

Please Help Chicago English Bulldog Rescue Win $20,000 in Grant Money in The Animal Rescue Site $100,000 Shelter+ Challenge. This grant is sponsored by PetFinder and is available to all rescues large and small. Small rescues like CEBR have won in the past – but it’s really hard and is all about grass roots support. We have to compete with Animal Welfare societies. We need your help! Simply vote 1x per day from now through December 20th! Voting is free and only entails just a simple click. No gimmicks, no information sharing, no registration, nothing! CLICK HERE TO VOTE or bookmark the direct link which is: http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/shelterchallenge.faces?siteId=3. Simply click on the link then look for the red “VOTE NOW!” button, search for Chicago English Bulldog Rescue and voila! PLEASE help us get into the top ten!

You can help by voting, asking others to vote, posting this note in your social networks and voting again! This campaign is designed to generate shelter awareness and you can help by helping Chicago English Bulldog Rescue! Check us out online at http://www.facebook.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=143034539285&h=f6b9b92f9a6936c1a84a6bcc734847b4&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ebullymatch.com. Vote for CEBR every day in the $100K Shelter Challenge.

I really appreciate any click you can give - every vote counts!

Flash Friday 55

2009-10-02T08:32:00.003-05:00

You come,
comment
leave a line of crumbs
for
me
to
follow
you
back
to your place

I follow,
comment
then leave my own crumbs
and
we search through other people’s archives
their comments
their people
and we look for;
connection
understanding
community
in hopes to find more
people
who we can call,
our own.

Are you interested in participating in Friday Flash 55?It is hosted by G-MAN, work up a piece with 55 words and head over to his place to let him know you did one!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-30T12:09:00.000-05:00

Flash Friday 55

2009-09-25T13:43:00.002-05:00

I don’t want to be a bother
to my loved ones,
who think I am some kind of a broken record
repeating over again
skipping back to the same spot
so I found a venue
to sit, pour out my guts
that is safe
I pay
he listen’s
it works

Are you interested in participating in Friday Flash 55?It is hosted by G-MAN, work up a piece with 55 words and head over to his place to let him know you did one!

Photo Credit: CartoonStock.com

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-23T09:24:00.002-05:00

Love my 2's ( Flash Friday 55 )

2009-09-18T09:08:00.007-05:00

Interested in participating in Friday Flash 55?It is hosted by G-MAN, work up a piece with 55 words and head over to his place to let him know you did one!

I have 2 children who were both born on the 2nd of the month. No, not twins but 2 years apart. My home address has always had the number 2 in it since I can remember and I was born on the 21’st and my husband was born in the 2nd month of the year.

I am that girl

2009-09-17T13:48:00.002-05:00

I am that girl
on the playground
with no friends

My clothes are not new and fancy
but hand me downs from my brother
or pick me ups from the thrift mart
my hair is not cut into the style of the day, but instead is greasy and unkempt
on my feet are boys tennis shoes from the salvation army, that
when I got them I loved
but after I wore them
and you made fun of them
I hated

I am that girl
who wants to be your friend
who needs a friend, wants to fit in
who does not understand why
she doesn’t. Can’t.

I am not particularly smart, witty
or athletic. Being picked last for dodge-ball and kickball
I am sacrificed first for the good of the team
yet I do not show how it breaks me
inside.
This dirty business of being expendable

I am that girl
who thought that negative attention from her parents was better than no attention at all
who struggled to belong in the family she was born into
who wished for death in her teens
because it seemed the only solution
that would solve everyone’s problems

Did you know me
back then
when being alone
was treated as some kind of sin

It comes slowly, but at least it comes

2009-09-11T17:15:00.000-05:00

He has reverted. He slipped I tell myself, this happens. Everyone goes through a slip here and there. I want to shrug it off, walk away from it, because, well its ugly and he can be hurtful when he is like this. He raises his voice and my husband put the dog away after the first flash of teeth. We are touching base and he is doing more than touching on this first of our meetings. But something odd happens as my oldest and my husband struggle to communicate, or maybe to be heard is what they struggle with, to be seen by one another and acknowledged as viable and valuable and worthy. I am the audience, not the mediator but the people watcher as these men do a strange cockeyed dance around one other.

Family counseling has been over for several weeks now and my oldest is back for one week from vacation and working on dividing and concurring. He has his sights set on a goal and it does not align with the house rules. So he reverts as he belittles and berates, he pokes and prod’s, he pushes and he demands, all so he can have a friend in the house (read girl friend) while we are away at work. It is as if this is all about his friend and he spending time together, but I see through this to what lies beneath the surface. He is testing us, trusting he can manipulate things to how they once were, where he ruled the roost and we all ignored his behavior because we could not stand to acknowledge it. At one point my husband walked out, stating the meeting was over, when in truth the meeting had never really begun.

My oldest, now becoming ugly proceeds to cross the line by taunting my husband to go have a drink and that we were a fine family without him once and would be fine without him again, it was all about the damage he could do. As if he was wielding a mace, cracking it down on our weak spots. He doles out damage and I wonder if he recognizes it as such.

Just then, I had a flashback of my son as a toddler, who could not be talked down and had difficulty accepting answers he did not want and we are in the grocery store and he is throwing himself on the floor for candy that I refused to purchase for him. I left the store, left the items I had gone to purchase in the basket, picked him up and carried him outside where we walked home as he wailed and carried on. He has always been this person I see before me, but somehow in my head or maybe my heart it was more acceptable coming from a two year old.

So I find that we come and go from this standoff point where he wants more trust and I need him to earn it. He is impatient and impulsive and still has difficulty waiting for an end result and I am tired and ready to end the conversation. I want to walk away as my husband had wisely done and my child says for the 10th time that I never listen to him, when what he means to say is that I never give him what he wants. So I give it the old one – two go as I repeated back to him what he had been saying, repeated my responses as well and then said I needed to end the conversation because we were going in circles and I was tired and we were only becoming more frustrated.

He looks at me disapproving as if he thinks I want to run away from him, form the topic and I see that and change my approach. Instead, I asked him head on, how can we end this conversation where we can agree to disagree because the previous attempts I had made were not working and walking away is viewed as turning my back to the problem or him. I asked him for help, how can we end it now? And he replied with the most hopeful adult thing I have seen him do in a long while, he closed his mouth and walked away.

Flash Friday 55

2009-09-10T18:00:00.007-05:00

It is a late morning in bed with a small, sweet smelling being sleeping next to me, stealing my pillow. I roll close wrapping my arms around him, pulling him into me, gently nuzzling my nose in the folds of his neck and breathing in so that this moment will remain in my memory forever.

Interested in participating in Friday Flash 55?
It is hosted by G-MAN, work up a piece with 55 words and head over to his place to let him know you did one!

A note from my childhood

2009-09-05T09:01:00.000-05:00

“That’s it”, you screamed at me with a puffy red face while sweat was pouring from your hairline in the Texas heat, “I am calling child well fare and sending you away forever, I cannot stand you anymore!” I remember the heat of your breath and the spittle that flew from your mouth to hit me as you screamed not two inches from my face and I began to understand that it did not matter what my perceived sin was, because anything was an excuse for you to take out your rage, disappointment and anger of your own life, upon me, your own personal, mental punching bag.

You held the phone, that phone, on the wall in the kitchen with the lime green counter tops and linoleum floors, your tool to eviscerate me from not only you but my family, my home, my life. As I heard you talk, negotiating to give me away, I grabbed for the phone, fear running rampant through my veins, I struggled against you with all I had in me and I was balling while begging and pleading that I would be good from now on, gasping for breath between the oceans of snot and tears running down my nine year old face. After you hung up the phone you helped me pack a bag and then you had me wait on the front step for strangers who would come and take me away, but they never came. Until finally, you told me to come inside and made mention of how sad and pathetic I was because “strangers did not even want me…”

Happiness captured

2009-08-31T10:39:00.001-05:00

In a moment.

Flash Friday 55

2009-08-27T18:00:00.005-05:00

i believe in words.

my ability to communicate effectively relies on words daily, hourly.
words rarely fail me but line my spine, support my backbone.
within them, when looped and threaded, woven together like some fine afghan, words can affect an outcome.
words do not change things, but words change people and people change things.

Interested in participating in Friday Flash 55?

It is hosted by G-MAN, work up a piece with 55 words and head over to his place to let him know you did one!

Photo was lifted from google images

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-26T09:21:00.001-05:00

Tuesday Bullets

2009-08-25T09:14:00.010-05:00

I am grateful:

* That my youngest son called me from his orientation day at high school yesterday to share with me his schedule , his excitement for this new stage in his life and he sounded happy

* That he (my youngest) shares with me so easily and that he wants to share with me still

* That my brother has taken my two teenage boys to Wisconsin Dells with his two teenage boys for a few days

* That reconnecting with my brother after so many years apart was easy and near seamless

* That Pilates and Spin are on my schedule for the day and I am able to move for both and keep up

* That my husband and I are closer than we have ever been before and I am really liking this 'team' I belong to

* That my oldest son’s probation officer is so supportive and on the ball

* That I have been around the block a few times

* That happiness comes easily these days

* That labor day at the cabin with my family is right around the corner

the choices we make

2009-08-21T10:37:00.004-05:00

Here we sit
upon our sinking ship
a life raft awaits
anticipates

But you refuse to board
the raft is not big enough for
you and your father

I insist it is and it will hold
but you are hesitant
preferring to go down with the ship
rather than come to terms
with the human flesh that is
your heritage

Self destructive
you sink
In the blackness of the water
your choice
to punish me
or him
or you

I am torn
to leave you
I am your mother
I want to rescue you
my child
who cannot understand
the consequence of such things

And I board the life raft
heading for shore
for safety
your father by my side
just as much my own flesh and blood
as you

And I weep
for fear of losing you
to the ocean
to the hate
to this life

I reach for you
from the raft
one last attempt
and you touch my hand
hold still for a moment
then
let me go

Flash Friday 55

2009-08-20T20:00:00.002-05:00

I see beauty on the cover of the glamour magazines, tall, boney things whose clothing drapes off them, like fine curtains hang at a palace. I am uninvited to that palace, being too thick and round in my features, possessing the heart of a tom boy; I hold a beauty of a very different kind.

Interested in participating in Friday Flash 55? It is hosted by G-MAN, work up a piece with 55 words and head over to his place to let him know you did one!

The dark spaces in between

2009-08-20T08:00:00.004-05:00

Life seems to have moments like creases, that hold dark spaces in between. When it arrives the dark can blanket you with confusion and disorient you. For some people it takes years to come through the dark folds that hold them paralyzed. I was one of those people and I want to share a part of my story.

It is an ugly thing that happens when dysfunction sets into a relationship. Not something that people want to read about or know about someone else. But nonetheless it is a part of my story, along with the alcohol, the crazy mom and the al-anon meetings. As sure as I am a mother and a wife, this is part of me but like everything else it is not the whole of me, but just a piece. Since then, I am grateful to have come out of the dark place that held me frozen for too long, grateful that my husband too has climbed out and that we are making our way, in our own time.

If you would like to know more, read on and comment there please: Violence Unsilenced

It must be like that...

2009-08-19T10:44:00.006-05:00

When my husband was newly sober he would wake in the middle of the night in a sweat, breathing heavily as if the beast’s of hell were after him in the dream he woke from. He would tell me about those dreams of him drinking and try as I might I did not understand. These dreams happened more often in the start of his sobriety, but every now and again, another dream will come to him. I thought how terrifying that must be, to be tempted in your sleep by the very thing you know you are working at staying away from, the very thing that you know will bring you to your knees.

Please head over to the Second Road to read the rest.

Knowingly

2009-08-17T11:49:00.009-05:00

(In light of a post I have coming on Thursday 8/20 I wanted to re-post this piece from Cautionary Discretion that I wrote/ posted in July of 09. Rest assured this is not happening in my life any longer.)

As you sit in the emergency room,

a toddler climbing restlessly

all about you

no extra hands in sight,

to help

to hold

your eyes

puffy from tears

of how you got to this place

how your life fell so off course

or perhaps from

the pain in your

shoulder,

hand,

face or arm

fresh bruising

appears

as the sunrises

but you stay

allowing another person to treat you

in a way

that shows no love

no honor

and

whittles away at you

a bit at a time

the scar tissue takes hold

in side of us

a place

doctors cannot reach

or mend

and we sit

you and I

waiting

for our names to be called

our turn

our time

as we glance at one

another

knowingly.

Flash Friday 55

2009-08-14T08:29:00.004-05:00

As the fog lifted, there came a day when she woke up, looked in the mirror and was surprised at what was there. No longer were the surface features of the creature before her but, instead the beauty of her, what laid dormant, just beneath the skin, waiting patiently for her to open her eyes.

Friday Flash 55 Hosted by G-MAN

Photo Credit

On being my own #1

2009-08-13T14:32:00.004-05:00

I am working on becoming selfish. Sounds strange right? Having to work on something that is so self-serving, but I come from a long line of guilt carrying peoples. At some point in time, just after procuring the dubious honor of ‘Mommy’ I seemed to forget about myself and my own needs or wants and desires. Occasionally I would begin something and then just as suddenly something more important came up and my initial need got put aside. It happened so many times that I am no longer able to remember each and every event that took place and then of course there were my own resentments over what I had to put aside, building up like a pile of legos, waiting for me to step on them in the dark where I would have to pay attention.

The why’s of it all are easy for me to understand because it came down to my own commitment to myself and the fact that my own loyalties never really were with me. Strange how I could grow up so fierce and determined about loyalty and yet the one person that needed that more than anything from me I continually neglected.

Over the years my gut instinct has lead me to doorways of opportunity, where I was meant to be and most of the time I never walked through that door. I would say it was because of time issues with my children or finances for the family, but ultimately it had to do with my own loyalty to myself.

I am not a person motivated by materialistic things, but more by meaningful experiences in my life and one such thing has come up, quite unexpectedly but at exactly the right time. I was contacted by a trainer who has won awards and whose ideas about diet and exercise closely align with my own about a spot opening up for him, for me to train and learn and grow. He wanted to know if I was still interested. And I find myself standing in that doorway pondering if I can afford it, if I am worth it and if I really want it that badly as to make the sacrifices needed. As if I can talk my gut out of feeling as strongly as it does or negotiate it away, trying to second guess myself.

There is more though because I find that I am both excited and terrified of this. I could fail (but not if I do not try). I could succeed (but only if I attempt it).

It is not often I say 'I want this' and stand by my convictions, not allowing myself to be talked out of it and this is one of those times, perhaps one of the first time in 20 some odd years where I can say, 'I want this', while planting my feet firmly in place, in front of that door. So I have little doubt that my choice will be selfish and I admit to feeling a little proud for that. After so many years I can take for myself what I have willingly given to others without a second thought and knowing how foreign that idea has been to me over the course of my life confirms to me just how much I have grown in my own ability to take care of myself.