Do Not Disturb

There was a knock at the door that shook the world. The room where I sat remained quiet as I waited in the leather Ottoman; my feet tucked under me Indian-style. I was totally absorbed; not wanting to put the book down, not wanting to lose my place, not wanting to come back to reality.

Interested in giving this a try? Write a story in 55 words and then let G-Man know about it!

I know why mothers eat their young

It has been a good solid two weeks since I have had an uninterrupted night’s sleep. Summer vacation to my almost 17 year old and his brother means staying up all night and sleeping all day. It means playing music at 1 am, gaming with one another at 3am, a WEEDS marathon lasting 17 hours, laundry at 4 am and snacking while downing copious amounts of coffee in order to force their bodies to stay awake and alert.

Action had to be taken, I am a beast without my sleep and someone could get hurt. There was no pleading or begging for quiet and sleep on my part but instead a communication with all the humans in my home under the age of 19 years old took place. It was brief and stated that my sleep was important to me and to that end I would be taking the modem off of the computer at 11 O’clock sharp for the rest of the summer, because this was initially the problem - staying up on the computer, turning on the music and tap, tap, tapping away all night and morning long. This of course was met with friction and complaints of my not being fair, but I reminded everyone that my lack of sleep was also not fair and after all this is not a democracy. To my delight it worked well, for four days.

At 4 AM last night I heard a crash and a bang, the front door slam shut, someone shuffling heavily on the creaky old wooden floorboards and of course at that hour being awoken in that manner I had no good scenario running through my brain. My adrenaline was pumping through my blood and I was up and at my bedroom door in three long strides, my heals screaming their protest. My oldest offspring was entering his bedroom across the hall from mine and when asked what he was doing he said that he was doing his laundry and thought since nobody else was awake that then was a good time to get it done.

Exit common sense. When exactly that happened I have no idea, I think it must be in hibernation, asleep for the summer, perhaps. God forbid.

That explained the bump, the crash the slam of the front door and my being up for the 13th night in a row, awakened yet again. Suddenly I understood why some mothers on the nature channel eat their young and I was much less horrified at that thought than I once had been.

FF55 - late!

This is not a new place
I am changed

the air my lungs suck in
is not filtered with the past
but my present

I feel the bite

withdrawing my hand
gasping

cursing

It seems
the way of this life
a merry-go-round
that I get off
because the spinning
makes me forget
how far I've come

Interested in giving this a try?

Write your own and then go tell G-Man!

I am a good daughter

Her voice sounds old, worn out.

I was silent on the other end of the line while she spoke as I tried to balance this mother - daughter thing as best I could. The subject now was on how alone she was, how difficult recovery would be because of that and I could not help but to speak, things need to be said, heard. My heart opened up as sure as my mouth did and I began, "You give what you get in relationships…", and she went silent. Was that a double bladed knife I lobbed just then? Is it possible that I do this in the same way she has done all of these years and am I so well trained in this craft that I would not be aware of it until now?

Holding the receiver, I chew on this while she begins to talk again on the other end of the line.

This dance that my mother does with me, her daughter, it can be tiring. I have developed thick skin so as to better shield myself from the words she once threw, but there are still holes in my surface and she is shrewd in her conniving and I want to trust her but it comes slowly. She could get a knife in reach my heart, now open, I silently warn myself but remain the same, as she talks about an out of body experience she has had, my eyes roll and I hold my forehead while my mind is no longer there listening to her.

Finally I ask about the test results of the tumor and find out no malignancy, she tells me the tumor was 25 pounds (which I chalk up to my mothers exaggeration practices) and then she does something that caught me off guard. She mentions that she has called both my siblings much earlier in the day about the results and she knows that I know she did not call me.

She had one son and one daughter and she does not need me…

The words she had cut me with so long ago in childhood find me again, the wound freshly opened now seeping, those words echoed through my head as if it had happened, just now. My fearful and unforgiving mind goes into overdrive for a split second and suddenly all I want to do is hang up the phone and scream and throw things, like a child having a tantrum; Why am I not good enough still?! But I stayed put, took in a deep breath and listened to her talk for a while longer. I reminded myself that this is not about me, this is about her and she is getting old. I said I loved her, hope she felt better, at the end of the conversation and she said it back. We both mean it, I am sure, the only difference is we love in different ways. Just because she does not love me the way I would like her to, does not mean I cannot love her the way I need to.(I owe much thanks to my father for that gem).

Lesson Learned. Maybe it is possible that sometimes you get more than you give, but I want to believe that everything balances out in the end and I am all about balance.

At lunch, I walked on the lake shore in the burning heat a sweaty, smelly mess and strangely I felt cleansed by the sun and the heat and the sweat. Sitting on a cement slab under the sun it is easy to consider all that I have become as the boats bob up and down in the water. Slowly the words that I choose to cover the wound with on my walk back to my office were simply: "I am a good daughter."

My silly son. Making me laugh being goofy...

Tuesday Glee

I have noticed that when there are challenges in my life that is when my writing can be brilliant and I wonder if I can learn to write with passion and emotion in the good periods just as well. Maybe I have conditioned myself to purge in the bad times.

Lately my life has taken on many good periods and I find that writing about the good stuff is harder for me than writing about the challenges. It is as if the good stuff is somehow more private which honestly dumbfounds me…I should be shouting on rooftops my glee. (I had to use that word - it is a feel good word.) So in the spirit of changing my technique I offer up the following bullets about what has been going on the past week of my life:

* The above picture is of a foster bully named Benny and just looking at that shot makes me happy. If you live in Chicago and are interested in adopting a bulldog please visit ebullymatch.com for your love connection.

* My Plantar fasciitis has all but disappeared after having the shots in the heels 12 days ago. Who would have thought a few minutes of pain could bring so much relief? (ha! Story of my life!)

* The sun is out, the heat is turned up in the city and life looks brilliant outside my window.

* Because my heels have healed I am back to my work out routine and feeling alive.

* Watermelon is now my favorite food in the whole wide world. Really!

* My boys are enjoying their summer time freedom and I am looking forward to having some summertime peace in July when they leave for my fathers home for three weeks.

* I have never looked forward to downtime from my children like I am looking forward to this coming July.

* I am meeting up with an old friend from my teen days at the end of June and Blogher is right around the corner and I cannot wait to meet people from my Koe group at it.

* I am looking forward to plans to visit my in-laws and my family this summer.

* I am grateful that this fathers day weekend was splendid and that my husband felt loved.

We have come a long way, since then…

One of the reason's I really like blogging so much is that everything I write since the very start of this blog is at my fingertips; easily accessible and sorted by date. I was curious today about what I had written about this time in our lives last year, so I went to look and do you know what I found? I found exactly how far we have come, since then.

Progress looks like my family these days and it feels unbelievably good to have the reminder in front of me in black and white for me to see it clearly.

Flash Friday 55

Unable to deny it

this itching piece of me

just below the surface

wanting to be free.

I sit in the sun

or under the shade tree,

the feeling in me wakes

of running wild,

being free.

Never fear,

should you happen

upon a naked banshee

it’s my inner wild child,

running barefoot

being free.

Every Friday, compose a short story of 55 words - no more, no less. if you want to join in the fun and games and give it a try. Post your story and report to the boss G-Man!

Wordless Wednesday

My mother

My mother was taught young in life that family is not a place to find comfort and in fact family was a place to be used up and then tossed away. Her early years were not filled with the right kind of touching from parent to child and so she was nearly clueless when it came to parenting her own children. With the first of us she was rough and course while learning her new role, creating cracks in our foundation in that circular motion that often times happens with sick families.

One of the things that I believe is that our foundation of self is set from early childhood. I think that our environment can influence certain aspects of life and who we become, but basically the cracks early on need continued attention and care as we age and grow into ourselves. Those cracks can strengthen us if we allow them to and care for them in the proper way but they can also weaken us if we neglect them.

My mother is going into surgery today to have a kidney taken out that has shut down and looks to have a large mass on/in it. The good news is it will be taken out and looked at, a determination will be made as to what the mass is and treatment will begin.

Today I am asking for positive thoughts and energies sent her way, for good news and a successful outcome because she deserves a successful outcome.