Wait. What?
When I thought of my name for this site I thought of all the things that were unimaginable that I was going through. I was in a place where self pity was flowing steadily and victim was my middle name. Wait. What? Was my own way of poking fun at myself and my reality because at the time most days all I could do was shake my head and cry, it got to the point of expecting the black cloud to follow me along because I deserved it…Wait. What? No really. I was in a bad place when this blog began and the only reprieve I seemed to get was when I was writing. When I started this blog it was a way to reach out from my introverted life, to the world in which I lived but felt like a spectator. You see I had totally walled myself in, cemented the bricks in place as fat under my skin and for much of my life I lived like this, not a participant but a spectator and a fat one at that. It was a miserable existence and all I knew when I began my blog was that I needed to write about my life, my experiences my thoughts and ideas and in writing I was reaching out to others, in the most indirect but comfortable way I could at the time.
Slowly over the last two years I have learned ways to participate in life, to come out of myself and chip away at the walls I had built up. I have learned to live a life that makes me feel good about who I am and where I have been and best of all I am hopeful about my future, looking forward to what may come. I am not unrealistic, I understand I have more work to do, but I am on my way and the road looks clear ahead of me with no clouds in sight, (but I will pack my umbrella just in case.)
Change has not happened over night and I have not had a guide book to follow but instead change has been a series of baby steps, relying more on my feelings of
‘is this the next right thing’ for me and then deciding to consciously move forward. It has been thrilling, scary, sometimes gut wrenching but through it all the trip has made me determined that there is a better way to live my life, to be happy and to make the most of everything that comes my way. I have become comfortable in my own skin and some days I feel as if I am glowing and I want nothing more than to spread myself all over the places and people I come into contact with, because I want to share of myself and I am less afraid to do this these days.
My recovery will never end but is only changing directions slightly and I have come to a place where this blog is less important to my recovery now than it once was. Admitting that is hard. Change is hard but I believe that it is so vital to who I am at my core today, I need to follow my heart and my head agrees.
So, in doing
the next right thing I am going to instead begin a blog about all the positive changes I have made in my life. Over the last 2 years I have remained true to myself in working out and eating right and as a result I have lost weight and gained back my ability to be happy. My journey began with recovery and this new place will be about recovery of a different kind, but just as vital to my life as the 12 steps have proven to be and I am excited about writing again, about sharing my life and where I have been, as well as where I am going. I want to pass along what I have learned and help others. It is really that simple and many of my readers have helped me learn that this is how recovery works, by reaching out, and offering up support and open hearts to others, even strangers. This is what it is about, this life and living it right. I have you all to thank for that lesson, for that tip to happiness.
Once my new site is up and running I will post here about it and I will of course continue commenting as often as I can in order to keep up with everyone as well.
Rest assured this is not a goodbye but only a change in direction and
Change is Good.
